For those who haven’t been around me for an extended period of time in the past 2 weeks you might struggle to comprehend what I am about to say. For years I longed to know God and to hear His voice. I started literally crying out to God when I was probably in the 6th grade. I was confused. I struggled at times with thoughts of suicide, not because people were mean to me, but more like the book of Ecclesiastes: I thought everything was meaningless. So I wanted to know that there was something for me to stick around for. I wanted to know that God was real.
Ten years later I felt the presence of God for the first time while in Brazil on a trip where I saw God heal thousands of people. Ten years of frustration released in just a moment when God opened the floodgates and remained hidden no more. Proverbs 25:2 comes to mind: “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, the glory of kings to search it out.” I finally found what I was looking for!
It wasn’t a cakewalk from there though. As soon as I left Brazil, God’s presence escaped as well. I can only recall feeling His presence once after I got back from Brazil and that was at a worship concert the day after I got back. When I moved out to Redding I was able to recapture some of what I had lost, but it was still inconsistent and sometimes difficult to enter into. There were times when I would spend hours every day just waiting and not feel a thing.
I think that God probably removed His presence because I didn’t value it. I thought that it was a neat trick. I could put my hands out and focus on Him and it would just come like turning on a light switch. Now that I think about it, I bet that may have also happened when God started to give me words of knowledge back in November. I got so many of them that for a couple days I thought that it was almost comical. Literally, I could be writing you an email and get a couple things for you without trying. I would just feel them and they would be right. I thought I had done something to deserve it and I certainly didn’t value it.
So far in 2007 I have felt God’s presence every day. That is 45 days so far. Additionally, in the past two weeks or so I have started to manifest when the Holy Spirit comes upon me. Don’t be alarmed, it was something that I desired. I had also desired to be “drunk in the spirit” (which I might add, I don’t like saying around people who don’t understand it), and recently that has been happening as well! Tonight at youth I enjoyed the extended time of worship by just laying on the floor for an hour in the presence of God. It is like I had a keychain with 100 keys and only 1 got me into the presence of God. Sometimes I could find it, other times I couldn’t. Now, I have found it and memorized it so that I can find it very quickly. I am so thankful.
That is a valuable lesson for me to learn. I don’t want to ever go through a season again without the presence of God. Ever. It isn’t worth it. His presence is worth any price. Just like how power costs, presence costs as well. Now that I realize it, it is time to recover the word of knowledge gift that I didn’t value. This valentine’s day I am so thankful that I get to experience God’s love in such a huge way and that I got to spend all the time that I wanted to with Him. Sure it cost me a lot, but it was worth it more than any roses or chocolate will ever be.
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2 comments:
That's a good word right there! It's like what Daniel said in class yesterday, that signs and wonders should follow US, not the other way around. WE should be following His PRESENCE! It's all about Him, all about intimacy and communion. The signs, the wonders, the power, it's all just a bonus :).
Hey, this is a bit weird for me to say, but... I had a dream with you in it, and I THINK I've got a word from the Lord for you (though some of it I'm sure you know already). Unfortunately I can't recall all that went on in the dream. All I remember is you being there, and the Lord telling me that you are a father, that the strength of a father's heart is in you. I also just got this overwhelming sense of the kindness that flows from your life. The kindness of the Lord THROUGH YOU leads people to repentance. There's also a peace and a safety that you carry that draws people to the Lord. I think that Goes along with the "father" thing. Anyway, that's what the Lord showed me! You're awesome!
Not Bethel's Winter Camp, I'm going home to join my youth/college group for ours! :)
I'm SO STOKED on what God's going to do...It's going to be HUGE. And actually a couple of BSSMers are coming down with me! So it's exciting, and we've been interceding together for it, partnering with the Lord in what He's wanting to do. If you think about it, please pray! :)
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